Offbeat

Automatic Transmissions are for Sissies

I have spent the past week driving around a rental car.  The car, a 2006 Chevy Cobalt is without a doubt in my mind the worst vehicle I have ever driven.  Although it is made entirely out of plastic, the Cobalt itself isn’t really a bad car.  It’s reasonably fuel efficient and comfortable, and despite the fact that the particular example I lived with for a week was falling apart after two years of abuse in a rental fleet, I would guess that its fairly reliable as well.

What then makes this car even worse than my previous worst car ever driven, the 1985 Subaru Justy stationwagon with no doors and no drivers seat?

The truth is, even though GM has gotten much better at building reliable cars, my Cobalt was still a rental.  43,000 miles of abuse and neglect made this thing less than pleasant to drive.  The ignition was all screwed up and kept locking so I couldn’t turn the key.  Once the car was on, it liked to stay that way, and once the car was off, it wasn’t going back on without jiggling the steering wheel back and forth for 20 minutes.  Once I was moving, things weren’t much better.  At some point in the Cobalts short and painful life, somebody hit a curb, and my guess is they hit it pretty hard.  The suspension clunked badly, the steering wheel vibrated like a jack hammer at anything more than 60 mph, and the brakes rattled.

Aside from some interesting looking stains on the passenger seat, the interior didn’t actually look that bad.  The smell however was staggering.  It was a mix of ciggarettes, old frenchfries, vomit, and something I couldn’t quite identify.  It isn’t warm in Washington DC right now, but I still spent the last week driving with the windows down.

Despite all of this, the thing that bothered me the most about this car had nothing to do with abuse, smell, or the abundance of plastic in the interior.  It didn’t even have to do with one of my friends writing “Cock Mobile” on the hood, which was indeed hilarious.  The thing that drove me totally and completely insane was the automatic transmission.

Now before I start complaining about a piece of automotive technology that has been embraced by most Americans, I do want to point out that the automatic gearbox does have its uses.  If you commute in heavy traffic, have kids who fight in the back seat, or happen to have lost your left leg, a car with an automatic might be right for you.  I also think that large luxury cars are fine with automatic transmissions.  However, I beleive that for most vehicular applications, automatics suck.

The first few days I spent driving the Cobalt in and around the DC area was a nightmare.  The car was never in the right gear.  If I needed power to merge into traffic, the transmission would refuse to downshift unless my foot was on the floor.  If I pressed gently on the gas to speed up, the car would violently downshift and rocket forward, forcing me to slam on the less than impressive brakes so I wouldn’t hit the car infront of me.  It didn’t help that I kept banging my left knee on the dashboard as my left leg kept instinctively diving for the clutch.

Eventually, I was able to get the car to almost behave how I wanted it to by forcing it to downshift with the lever on the console.  As I began getting used to driving an automatic again, I realized that not having to shift constantly made it far easier for me to get distracted from driving.  I spent far more time fiddling with the radio than I ever do when driving a manual.  Also, its not like the Cobalt’s transmission was screwed up like the rest of the car.  It shifted exactly the same way every other automatic car I have ever had the displeasure of driving.  Poorly.

I couldn’t wait to get rid of that car, and when I picked up my car this morning, the first upshift was like a breath of fresh air.  As I was driving home, basking in the glory of RWD handling and a manual transmission, I tried to figure out how anybody who has ever driven stick before could justify the purchase of an automatic aside from the reasons I already gave.  Then I realized the answer, you can’t.

Then something kind of terrifying occurred to me.  If you are not good enough at driving to drive stick, should you really be allowed to drive a 480 horsepower Porsche 911 Turbo?  You can’t see it in this picture, but something is missing here.  (A third pedal).

I guess some would call me unreasonable, but if you have never driven stick, you can’t ignore the fact that I have a point.  Manual cars are more fun to drive, you have more control, they get better gas milage, and people give you automatic street cred when they realize you know how to drive them.  At the very least, if you don’t know how to drive stick, you should learn.  It’s a good thing to know.

Please don’t ask me how I feel about the new F1 style DSG gearboxes.  I have never driven a car with one and its going to take alot to make me give up a clutch.

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