A Ricer’s Guide to Driving

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It’s the day you have been waiting for your entire life.  A few weeks ago you passed your driving test, and purchased your first car.  In that time, you have slaved over your new baby, slowly transforming it from a front-wheel drive hatchback into a certified street racer.  You have installed a body kit, new racing gauges, a new exaust, and more stickers than you can count.  Today however it is finally finished.  You just bolted on the rear wing.  Now that your car with its 4 speed automatic gearbox and tire-melting 96 horsepower is finished, it’s time to get really good at driving it.  You are a new driver so you have much to learn, and I am not going to deny that the road ahead of you is long and full of many potholes.  Yet, I am sure with practice and determination, you will succeed in your mission to become the greatest driver ever.  Below I have compiled the 10 Commandments of Fast and Furious driving.

1.  You must tailgate at all times.  If you are more than a foot away from the car in front of you, you are not trying hard enough.

2.  Never turn off your high beams.  You get extra points if they are aimed up.

3.  Signaling lets others know where you are going.  Winning the race is easier if other cars can never be sure where you plan to go next.

4.  Always weave through traffic.  Your car was built with extremely advanced suspension and handling.  Use it.

5.  Speed limits are for suckers.  Live a little.

6.  Never check your mirrors when you are changing lanes.  When you are traveling over 100 mph in a car with drum brakes, it is important to keep your eyes on the road at all times.

7.  Don’t talk on the phone.  You have an unlimited texting plan.  Use it.

8.  Your parking brake is actually designed for handbrake turns.  Make sure to practice on wet roads at high speeds.  Good drifters are sideways at all times.

9.  Everybody loves the sound your car makes with your new exhaust.  Share this sound with as many people as you can by driving through residential neighborhoods at wide open throttle no earlier than 2 a.m.

10.  Don’t upgrade your brakes when you buy bigger rims.  Physics doesn’t apply to your car.  Stopping distances don’t matter as much as looks anyway.

28 Responses to A Ricer’s Guide to Driving

  1. I love this blog, is made to kill racer before they become dangerous, just in the firsth trip. I call it the “how to become an wheeled asshole, crash your new ride and break your spine in 7 peaces in your 1st trip!!” blog

  2. That’s some pretty good body modding work, apart from the skew plate.

    Personally, I appreciate the work that goes into building a street racer,, but could not bring myself to do this to a perfectly good car.

  3. I’ll never forget the day I had just picked up a V10 Ford 12 passenger van
    for my business when, lo and behold at the first light I come to, this little piss ant ricer pulls up along side me at the light and starts to do
    brake stands. What is one to do? Only the prudent thing – blow his fucken doors off as soon as green appeared.
    Dumb shit – I should have run him off the bloody road and into a tree. If there is anything more that I hate are these disrespectful, non- driving retards showing their “stuff” in those rolling coffins –
    there should be an open season with
    a point system implimented. Fuck ’em all and feed them fish balls.

  4. Drifting in a front wheel drive car…its a good thing that possible, right? Everything else is pretty funny tho. I hate ricers…

  5. I have a honda del sol. And I hate ricers. Body kits are lame and loud exhausts are annoy as hell. It is a goddamn FWD car with almost no HP, it is not made to race it is made to get from A to B. That being said mine handles quite well, and some times has enough power to pass people on the highway (tractors mostly).

  6. if that pic is the Blogger’s car I bet it is always clean,and he has lots of pics of it. But after reading his 10 Commandments it is certain he is a hack and a poser and has never done half the shit he writes about… that car is for show not racing.

  7. @will:

    Of course he’s never done the stuff that he wrote about. It’s satire.

    The author probably drives a Rubicon or minivan or VW bus or anything that’s not a ricer.

  8. Not funny.

    I don’t understand why Americans are so obsessed with ricers. You see it all over the car forums and frankly it gets old real fast.

    They have some annoying habits. So? Get over it and get a life people.

  9. haha, very funny! All show and no go sums up most of these cars.

    I had an experience of one of these fresh faced drivers the other week. We were travelling down a road, with about 10 cars in front, following a slow moving vehicle. The muppet in some pimped up, 10 year old Honda Civic decided it was an overtaking opportunity just waiting to happen. He dropped a cog (announced through the silly fart-box exhaust) and crept passed. The only thing that saved the idiots life (and his young passenger’s life) was the tractor coming the other way, rather than a car. He managed to squeeze his way back in the queue of traffic, having made all of 50 yards and narrowly avoiding a head on collision.

    But hey, he had a lowered, racing 1.5l Civic, so of course he was going to be ok! 😉

  10. Funny. Although it should be titled “A beginners guide to driving” as those who drive poorly constructed, incredibly inefficient, technologically backward American cars are definitely no better.
    The worst tailgaters drive trucks.

  11. I would have to agree with “EvilGod”. This Ricer’s Guide to Driving actually sums up how a lot of people drive nowadays. SUV drivers, truck drivers, even muscle car drivers. You probably wouldn’t know this unless you have lived in Southern California for over 20 years. The three I mentioned above are just as bad, if not worse!